WARNING! UGLY MOMMY TRUTH AHEAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! (the truth may not help you, but it will sure set me free!)

I.
Can.
Finally.
Breath.

All day, my chest has felt like it had a big Southern scrunchie twisted around it so many times that the blood from my heart would actually rush up and tease my bangs for me. And, NO, I do NOT tease my bangs. Since, like, 9th grade!

All day, my head was so near combustion, that lighting candles for yoga would have been out of the question. And, NO, I do NOT do yoga. Yet!

All day, I repeated myself so many times and offered so many threats (and, yes there were some consequences), to no avail, I wondered if I had secretly been rendered mute and no one told me. And, NO, I was NOT mute. Anysa confirmed that when she said, "My, you are sooo angry!". REALLY?!

It was a bad day. A bad, bad day.

The kind of bad day that you wonder whether or not to write about because of what people might think. I know my friends will still love me, those who don't might judge me, those who kinda know me will be curious, and my kids, well, they will forgive me.

But you don't have a choice. You have to release the anger!

I think I am most angry because I have been really conscious of soaking up life with my kids this past week; trying to remember all that I am learning from Hannah's mommy and trying to understand this tragedy which is affecting personal friends of mine. But they didn't seem to care about all my previous live-life-in-the-moment moments with them!

Take last night for instance. Late in the afternoon, they had begun one of my least favorite of their activities. Pulling all my towels and linens out of the closet AND taking all the cushions off the couches to create a magnificent castle. I do really appreciate so much about what they are doing EXCEPT for the clean up which is usually me cuz it is just easier that way. I know, I know! Well, Anysa decided it would be a "lovely" idea to sleep in it during the night. And you know what? I went for it. Remember, I wanted to live in their moment! I got it! Curtis, not so much, but then again, he is uptight like that.

I think my bad day today started last night. Needless to say, they had a restless time going to sleep and I was alone to deal with it, like I am most nights.

It was all downhill from there.

Today?

Ignoring, disobeying, destroying, whining, misbehaving, disregarding, you name it.

My husband always thinks he has the ONE solution that solves everything and because I don't dole out that ONE solution for everything, he thinks is the reason my kids don't listen to me. But I don't necessarily agree to the extent he thinks. It goes back to our whole debate about whether our kids should fear us or not.

Honestly, my kids are good kids. For the most part, they are well-behaved with others (or so I am told) and I think they truly love and respect me. I think.

But today?

Well, by 3pm, I was ready for a drink.
By 5pm, I was ready to give them a drink.
By 9pm, I was lucky CPS was not knocking on my door.

No, I didn't. But, honestly, all I have wanted to do since about 3pm is somehow make them understand that Mommy was losing her ever-loving mind and something better change or ELSE! There was yelling involved today and it was ugly. Finally, in the car, Anysa wanted to know why I wasn't talking to her. I told her that I was very upset with them and it was better to be quiet than to say something mean.

By the time Curtis got home at after 9pm, I was done. Not my responsibility anymore. Don't touch me, talk to me, look at me, breath on me, think about me. And for pete's sake, DON'T ASK ME ONE MORE QESCHUN!!

But of course, Daddy said good night to them and then planted his head on the pillow never to lift until the dawn.

So, I was left to check on them "one more time" in "two minutes, please".

As I was putting the kids to bed tonight, I sat on Luke's bed and got really close to him because he was trying to tell me something about Moses. After we talked a bit, it got quiet. A sweet voice began singing "Amazing Grace" on the radio and Luke said, "Lay right there on my pillow and sleep with me Mommy."

And I did.

And I could breathe.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Stacey