Wednesday, August 1, 2007

WARNING! UGLY MOMMY TRUTH AHEAD! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! (the truth may not help you, but it will sure set me free!)

I.
Can.
Finally.
Breath.

All day, my chest has felt like it had a big Southern scrunchie twisted around it so many times that the blood from my heart would actually rush up and tease my bangs for me. And, NO, I do NOT tease my bangs. Since, like, 9th grade!

All day, my head was so near combustion, that lighting candles for yoga would have been out of the question. And, NO, I do NOT do yoga. Yet!

All day, I repeated myself so many times and offered so many threats (and, yes there were some consequences), to no avail, I wondered if I had secretly been rendered mute and no one told me. And, NO, I was NOT mute. Anysa confirmed that when she said, "My, you are sooo angry!". REALLY?!

It was a bad day. A bad, bad day.

The kind of bad day that you wonder whether or not to write about because of what people might think. I know my friends will still love me, those who don't might judge me, those who kinda know me will be curious, and my kids, well, they will forgive me.

But you don't have a choice. You have to release the anger!

I think I am most angry because I have been really conscious of soaking up life with my kids this past week; trying to remember all that I am learning from Hannah's mommy and trying to understand this tragedy which is affecting personal friends of mine. But they didn't seem to care about all my previous live-life-in-the-moment moments with them!

Take last night for instance. Late in the afternoon, they had begun one of my least favorite of their activities. Pulling all my towels and linens out of the closet AND taking all the cushions off the couches to create a magnificent castle. I do really appreciate so much about what they are doing EXCEPT for the clean up which is usually me cuz it is just easier that way. I know, I know! Well, Anysa decided it would be a "lovely" idea to sleep in it during the night. And you know what? I went for it. Remember, I wanted to live in their moment! I got it! Curtis, not so much, but then again, he is uptight like that.

I think my bad day today started last night. Needless to say, they had a restless time going to sleep and I was alone to deal with it, like I am most nights.

It was all downhill from there.

Today?

Ignoring, disobeying, destroying, whining, misbehaving, disregarding, you name it.

My husband always thinks he has the ONE solution that solves everything and because I don't dole out that ONE solution for everything, he thinks is the reason my kids don't listen to me. But I don't necessarily agree to the extent he thinks. It goes back to our whole debate about whether our kids should fear us or not.

Honestly, my kids are good kids. For the most part, they are well-behaved with others (or so I am told) and I think they truly love and respect me. I think.

But today?

Well, by 3pm, I was ready for a drink.
By 5pm, I was ready to give them a drink.
By 9pm, I was lucky CPS was not knocking on my door.

No, I didn't. But, honestly, all I have wanted to do since about 3pm is somehow make them understand that Mommy was losing her ever-loving mind and something better change or ELSE! There was yelling involved today and it was ugly. Finally, in the car, Anysa wanted to know why I wasn't talking to her. I told her that I was very upset with them and it was better to be quiet than to say something mean.

By the time Curtis got home at after 9pm, I was done. Not my responsibility anymore. Don't touch me, talk to me, look at me, breath on me, think about me. And for pete's sake, DON'T ASK ME ONE MORE QESCHUN!!

But of course, Daddy said good night to them and then planted his head on the pillow never to lift until the dawn.

So, I was left to check on them "one more time" in "two minutes, please".

As I was putting the kids to bed tonight, I sat on Luke's bed and got really close to him because he was trying to tell me something about Moses. After we talked a bit, it got quiet. A sweet voice began singing "Amazing Grace" on the radio and Luke said, "Lay right there on my pillow and sleep with me Mommy."

And I did.

And I could breathe.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Stacey

5 comments:

Jenna said...

I'm confused. Is there a link?

My small school was smaller than yours! There were 7 people in my graduating class and we did not have football! Moving in during the 7th grade would not have been pretty!

Golda said...

Amen, sister. I hear you on so many levels. I just keep repeating, like a mantra, that it's those living in the moment moments that they will remember! Not the mommy losing her mind moments. I applaud you for giving them those great memories! Keep breathing, girl!

Kimmy said...

Oh, Stacey. I could relate SO well to your mommy truth today. I have felt like just how you described, so many times. My boys are a bit older, and so they understand a little better (now) what their chaos is doing to me, but the chaos still happens. And happens. And happens. I'm praying that today is a much better day for you and yours. ((HUGS))!

Laane said...

Aww, what a moving end to an exhausting day.

I know them.. the kids, the days...
and the father coming home and knowing it all. Ugh!

I had a rather quiet day today and then "dad" decided that he was the boss and started ordering people around,...
Wish he had one time in his life read a book about parenting.

About your situation.

Children need routine, but they also need to learn to adjust to unusual situations.
Next time they won't take so much energy the day after.

Disciplining is not about fear.
We have to find a way to target the creative powers inside them that make them long to change their environment for the better.

With most kids here I'm still reaching...and reaching...LOL!

Jenna said...

Now I see the rest of the post. I don't know why I couldn't see it before.

We have all been there!! I always feel so bad after I lose my cool with the kids. I feel like an ugly mom when I get that way!