Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Does a pair beat a full house?

I don't really know and am therefore pondering the age ole' question of whether or not to have another child?

Have I just forgotten- the nausea of the 1st trimester, the expanding waistline, the pitocin-induced labor pains, the hormone-induced emotional roller coaster, the late nights or all-nighters, the mastitis, the thoughts of how I would manage 2 ( I felt pretty secure with 1), the saddness of going back to work even part-time, the anxiety of possibly having a child with problems requiring more than a band-aid, the fear of would we really be able to give them everything they needed or even worse, would we be able to provide them with all the love, security, and tools they needed to flourish as self-confident children of God?

Have I just been mesmerized by- the beautiful twins my friend Golda just had, the sweet and snuggly boy my friend Jennifer just had, all the others who are cute and pregnant, going through my kids' baby clothes as I organize my life, the mothers who seem to be handling more than 2 kids with relative ease (and if not, well at least they look good doing it-that is for you my dear R!), all the superstars who are having kids after 35?

Is it just a distant memory of what it is like- to have a flat stomach, to have perky breasts, to be able to stay up late and not wake up with dark circles under my eyes, to have skin without leftover pregnancy brown spots, to run to the mall or out with friends without pressing responsibilities at home, to not have to wear a girdle to hide all post-pregnancy lumpiness, to walk out of the house without having already sweated or been spilled on, or better yet to walk out of the house with just 1 cute little purse on my elbow, to actually take a picture without saying a thousand times "move over; no, look at me; don't cross your eyes; don't push your sister.", to not have young children sass me, to NOT feel so run down at the end of a day spent with my children that I just want to slit my wrist and pour the liquor straight into my veins?

Am I kidding myself? Have I not looked in the mirror lately? Do I think the Reader's Digest Winner Patrol is headed to my house next with that big bunch of balloons and a huge bouquet of roses and the BIG check to present to me while I am standing at the doorway with no make-up, no bra, and a leftover ponytail from the night before?

Am I feeling unfulfilled? Am I looking at the wrong thing to be fulfilled? Do I think I have anything left to give? Am I even cutting it as the mother of 2, much less even think I could manage more? What would this do to Anysa? I remember what it was like in the early years when being 7 years older than my sister was not good. Would Luke be forever traumatized as the middle child? Maybe I should interview my brother. Would this be what makes our marriage stronger or would it be the straw?

(what if i have twins?;))

Should I just be satisfied? Should I convince myself that I don't really still have that feeling that I want more children? Should I just try to make my current situation better? Should I pray about it more? Do I really want to know if God and I have the same answer?

I don't have much time left to decide, so again I ask, Does a pair beat a full house?



Jennifer H. said...

Ahhh, I love my sweet and snuggly boy! Well, you know my thoughts on this . . . GO FOR IT! Anysa adores Nolan and Luke just loves babies. I think they would adjust. But, you have to do what is best for you and C. But, I would love for Nolan to have another sweet baby friend!

Golda said...

Oh girl, a full house will win every time! ;)

Jennifer said...

In case you don't check back on my blog, I got that egg at Hallmark so check there.

That is a hard call. Every once in a while I do the same thing- am I sure I'm done. Well, after reading your blog and being reminded of all the horrible things pregnancy bring my way, I've decided for tonight that I'm done. I'd say 99% but there is always a small thing in the back of my head that says "am I sure?" Just pray about it and you will know!